Love, Philosophy, and Mangoes

Sunday, July 1, 2001  01:32 p.m.

listening to: faint library-half-hour-after-opening noise (mostly soft typing)

My gods! David Zollo is the new Messiah! I think I'm in love... *starry eyes*

Sunday, July 1, 2001  01:14 a.m.

listening to: Sonic CD - "Brand New World"

Sonic music~! Heh. ^_^ Believe me, you'll be seeing a lot more of it. I have this lovely addiction to Sonic, and to video game music, and Sonic has good music. (Three words: "Open Your Heart". It's like Triumph, but 2000-style... um, yeah... well, anyway, it rules. ^_^ And the singing is eerily reminiscent of the Scorpions at times...) I heard once that game music is set to a beat slightly higher than a human heartbeat, so as to actually be physically addicting. Explains some things, like why I keep getting vague urges to play Vectorman. (More good music, inasmuch as a Genesis can handle such things.) I never did finish that, did I?

Anyway, I know, I've been sort of non-present for the last few days. I do that; disappearing's my gig, although frequently not on purpose. (Well, plus the layout's started to crash even my computer, which means it's probably time to make a new one, and I don't feel like messing with Duo pics and things long enough to make a nice one. And trust me, it'll be Duo. ^_^ Forget the unofficial "Only girls can be guardians of the pita" rule; Jodhpur Boy has special status. ^_^ Too many cute cute fancomics, I keep getting the urge to hug him. ^_^ They're here; and even if you don't like GW you gotta check out this girl's mad skillz, believe me.) Besides, I've been sort of crazy/busy the last while, making skins (which I ought to upload an' all, but the last time I tried to do that it screwed up my FTP...), reading, hanging at JazzFest (THE purpose of summer - and all the really good stuff is tomorrow. *big starry eyes* I am not going to be home at all ^_^), doodling, whatever. Just haven't been able to get my head together enough to say anything except "Wow, look, my Chao's fighting!", which isn't the most useful comment...

*grins* Besides, all elements of my life the last few days that haven't been jazz-related have been sold to a mix of Sonic and Gundam Wing. And I mean that. Most of my GW chibis have been mixed with Sonic gijinkas. (And I ought to ink and scan them, and I would, if they didn't suck. I can't draw Quatre. He looks kinda like Duo would if I forgot the braid, which I probably would, because I can't draw braids. -_-;;) Duo is Sonic: duh. Heero is Knuckles because A. there's a certain personality similarity with the lonerness an' all, and B. I like playing with Sonic/Knux nearly as much as I like playing with Heero and Duo. ^_^ Quatre is Tails because ... heck, he just looks like Tails. Except for the whole two-tailed fox thing. Wuffie is Amy Rose because ... well, it's just funny. ^_^ I still haven't figured out who Trowa is... probably one of the Chaotix, but I never played that game and I don't know them well enough. (Ayi, time to dig out the Knuckles comics again...) Either Espio or Mighty, mos' likely. And then there's my Sonic Adventure Chao, which have all been either officially or unoffically named after GW boys. (Officially requires stickin' 'em in the VMU, and Wuffie seems to have taken up permanent residence there.) Wuffie's a green spiky Speed Chao, although now his swim and fly stats are up so high that might change... Heero's a nice winged silver Chao, Flight type. The other's've evolved, sort of, but they don't seem to have developed types... I really don't know what I'm doing. ^_^ Duo is a peacock. I love my peacock Chao. Trowa used to have this yellow crest that looked like Trowa's hair, but it disappeared, so I gotta figure out what I gave him to get that. Lions? He's always quiet, usually because he's asleep. And Quatre... Quatre is hyper. ^_^ He makes nearly as much noise as Duo(!). They both play a lot of trumpet.

And dude - I finally got Sonic CD to run on my computer without crashing it! (Mostly.) And dude, that game is psycho... The graphics irk me. I know, I know, they started it right after Sonic 1, but ... they could have used different sprites, at least. (I don't like Sonic 1 much.) Surely the Sega CD had more power than that; even the Genesis can do better graphics than a lot of the stuff in there. That's the bad. The good is the music - sweet mother of all that is good and holy, there's VOCALS! (Okay, okay, I know, Sonic Adventure has vocals too, but vocals on a game that looks like it was meant to be run on a Genesis are mind-boggling.) And the music is mostly good besides. And I'm not going to get caught up in the whole English vs. Japanese soundtracks issue, because I don't know anything save what's on my computer, and for all I know that is the Japanese track. (Look, it could be. They changed the music for the PC version of Sonic 3 & Knuckles, the fiends. *sniffles* Icecap... that was the best 16-bit music I've ever heard, and the PC version is terrible, as is the rest of the PC music... But I gotta put up with it, because I haven't got the S&K levels on my Genesis. Well, Nomad, technically....) And the ugly... well, the weird, anyway. Man, Wacky Workbench is just ... *eyes boggle* And for some reason my Past warps always get blown. I've done it right about twice now. I don't want to go to the future, you jerks, I have to go to the past so I can make it a Good Future, if I can ever find the machine, which I can't ... *sniffles* And the Special Stages are just .... weird. Still haven't beaten any. ^_^ You can tell I suck at this, huh?

And the weird thing is, I haven't actually spent much of the last week playing video games. Unfortunately, it is what I've been doing the last few hours. ^_^ And I think I should get to sleep if I want to get downtown by noon to see Dave Zollo, and if I'm going to see Cubanismo at eight, I think I'd better not wuss out like I did today after only three hours. Need energy! Probably just need sugar and enough spending cash to get a lot of smoothies and mango lassis, actually. ^_^ I had Indian food tonight; korma rocks the house. ^_^ Pakoras and samosas and biryani are good too. Thai tomorrow. And wow, I'm getting even more random than usual. Sleep. Definitely need sleep. *grabs self by theoretical collar and drags self off to sleep*

Monday, June 25, 2001  11:46 p.m.

listening to: Rage Against the Machine - "Sleep Now in the Fire"

Dude! Duo wears jodhpurs! I love jodhpurs! I guess this clears up the question of which GW boy I like best... ^_^

See, I'm only just now getting into the Gundam Wing mess for myself, instead of my former job observing its fans. Gundam Wing fans are truly amusing. Maybe they wouldn't be so amusing if they were, say, Heero/Relena fans, but I've never seen one. ^_^ Note: I don't have anything against Relena... well, I do, but it's mostly just her pathetic crush on Heero. It makes me want to smack her. I guess I haven't really seen that much official Heero/Duo evidence outside of artbook stuff (of course, I've only seen Endless Waltz and one manga book), so that's not it even if I do think they're kinda cute together; actually, just between you and me I'm in a bit of a Trowa/Heero groove right now. *ducks* Most of the couple-y stuff I've seen is either in artbooks (Heero/Duo, sort of, and definitely TrowaXQuatre, which is cool with me) or either Heero/Relena or Heero/Trowa-ish... Or maybe I'm just crazy, that's likely.

The initial intent of this random 'net scouring was to find G Gundam stuff; in the back of the GW manga there's little G Gundam and Gundam Wing gag 4-koma, and it's now my duty to find out more about Allenby. (Random videogame-playing girl... s'good ... cute, too... ^_^) Except somewhere along the line I got diverted into collecting Gundam Wing art, hopefully to make a Winamp skin out of someday. (Like this nice one of Duo blowing out Relena's birthday candles for her, heh heh. Trowa and Heero look quite amused. ^_^)

For that is what I've done pretty much this entire day (as in, ever since midnight, with a little sleep break in the middle somewhere): work on my first ever Winamp skin. (Ooh, look, random paragraph break to gain attention! Whee!) Finally finished it, too. I'm pretty happy with it, although that might just be because it's a gorgeous pic to begin with. Ayu, naturally. ^_^ The "Endless Sorrow" single cover, or at least some of the promotional art (don't look at me, I got it at her official site...); Ayu sits on the edge of a building in a torn white shirt and torn black jeans, one wing on her back, feathers tumbling through the air. Pre~~~tty. I'll put it up on my site sooner or later, but right now it seems to be in hibernation and I daren't wake it up too early. I've got a few things to put up - this skin, even more Ayu lyrics, sort of thing - but I want to have some new writing up, and I haven't had the heart to finish what I started yet. (But I have to write something, or all the peeps at the mailing list will think I'm dead...) For now, in the off chance anyone wants it, I'll put the link to the file at the bottom of today's entry, because I'm too lazy to do it right now. ^_^

*giggles* Ayi, this is the funniest picture yet. ^_^ Go Duo! Don't let Heero have that cake all to himself! Mmmm, strawberries... and that frosting Trowa's got on his finger looks yummy... and Wuffie, what are you doing with that knife? o.0;; (I reserve the right to call him "Wuffie". It doesn't actually indicate anything about my opinion of him, except that I think "Wufei" is too funny a name. Or something.) Oooh, cute Trowa and Quatre playing music. That would be appropriate for a skin, ne? Except Quatre's head would probably be cut out by the numbers and things... And I might not be able to fit the teacups. It's just not as cute without the teacups. ^_^ Random guys sitting around drinking tea and playing violin/flute are hilarious. *grins*

Oh well, I seem to be descending into pure babble, so I think I'll run off again. (Also I need to make a skin of Duo titled "Jodhpur Boy". ^__^ I loooove jodhpurs.)

Ayu Winamp skin

(P. S. Doesn't Quatre look just like a gijinka Tails would? This is even scarier when you consider how Knucklesy Trowa can be... I suppose Heero is far more Knucklesy, though. And Duo is very Sonicy. ^_^ So all is well! Wah! I need to go hunt down Duo's theme songs now, especially considering that it's Tomokazu Seki...)

Saturday, June 23, 2001  06:02 p.m.

listening to: Joga - "Dam Dariram (VA Mix)"

Mmm, Dance Dance Revolution, probably my next Dreamcast purchase. (Even though I'm sort of lacking money. Nyeh, that's a mere technicality. ^_^) Whee, I'm amused, I've now actually spent a whole hour at home today. Went to a race with a friend and her sibs at 6:30 AM, and finally got back home around 10:30, which is around when I usually wake up. ^_^ (I've been running around all day on five hours of sleep, usually with small children whom I adore jumping all over me. Fun, huh?) And then nobody was home, and I forgot my key like always, so I just went home with them for seven hours. I got bored and vacuumed the van. It was fun. ^_^ (Yeah, they gave me lots of sugar, how could you tell?)

Yar. So that's my day. I'm fairly certain I can't think hard enough to do or say much, and besides, I'm goin' to see a play ("Corpus Christi") with said friend in an hour anyway, so I suppose I'd better run off...

No, this served no purpose. Has anything in my life ever served a purpose? ^_^

Friday, June 22, 2001  02:31 p.m.

listening to: some girl - "Julietta" (pretty song ... must find...)

Well, it's official, the Dreamcast has eaten my soul. ^_^ Which is pretty impressive, because it first would have had to steal it back from Monster Rancher. The fact that the show's been canceled for several months now probably helped, of course... *glares death rays at Fox and WB* How can a show that was on three different channels get canceled on all of them before the first season is over?! And it was a GOOD show, too! Kinda cheesy, yeah, but near as I can tell it's one of the closest translations I've ever seen. (Okay, all I have to go on is that the episode titles are the same and a certain sense about the dialogue, but still...) And dammit, I need Genki to live! *hugs Genki* You have no idea what this boy has helped me through. Yeah, I'm crazy, fine, but 's true...

Anyway, like I was saying before gettting sidetracked onto one of my happy rants (sorry, it's a sore spot still, because I've loved that show ever since I first saw it and it hurts me to think that I'll never know how it ended), the Dreamcast has eaten my soul and time. Well... Sonic Adventure has, anyway, I love Shenmue an' all but it's pretty much my bro's game and I don't know what's going on well enough to jump in. (I did name the kitten, though. Mimi's adorable. ^_^ I just want to hug her whenever I see her. Kinda like the other Mimi, only ... not quite. *cough*TachikawaMimiishot*cough*) Of course, I've been a Sonic fan ever since Sonic 2 came out, which may not sound so impressive unless you factor in the fact that I didn't have any access to videogames until two years later, occasional game of Street Fighter II: Championship Edition at the skating rink aside. (Probably why that's another obsession, although it's been going downhill recently, if ya ask me...) But yeah. Knuckles. ^_^ (Look, I like girls, with some exceptions. Knux is the most prominent. Um ... well, gijinka human-Knux anyway...) I've finished four out of six characters already, and I got the DC on Monday. Sonic's almost done, I'm just getting seriously annoyed by Final Egg. And does anyone know why Knux runs up after you beat Chaos 6, and then Sonic just says "Yo, Knuckles! You're late!" and runs off before we get any idea of what Knux had to say? Maybe it'll become clear later... Oh, yeah, and I can't beat even the first level with Big. -_-;; I can't fish, I'm sorry...

So this basically explains why I'm sitting here trying to draw little gijinka Sonic characters. Mostly Sonic and Knuckles, of course... ^_^ Knux has dreads and pointy brass knuckles and a harmonica (look, he must get bored sitting there "forever guarding the Master Emerald, alone...", doncha think? Can't you just see him sitting there playing a blues song on his harmonica?) and a leather vest. *grins* I still haven't quite gotten the hang of giving him dreads without making him look like a refugee from the Amazoness Quartet, sadly. It's kinda keen. And Sonic has a baseball cap on backwards so two pointy locks of pale blue hair can poke through the gap, and a T-shirt, and Daisuke shorts, and a skateboard, and a slightly evil grin... *grins s'more* I think Tails'd be sort of like a modern honey-blond Shizumaru, and I still haven't figured out what to do with Amy Rose. (Who I like. Don't ask me why, I always hate characters created solely to be a main character's girlfriend no matter how much story they slap on top - Princess Sally, Juli-Su, whoever - but I love Sonic's crazy overly-cute groupie. And Mara Jade, does she go in that category? Mmmm... Mara Jade...)

See... I was wandering the neighborhood last night (this being my other occupation over the summer beside the Dreamcast), and the idea for an amusing Sonic/Knuckles gag manga came to mind. It has to be a manga, because some stories don't work right otherwise. (Sadly, these are the ones I always come up with, and I can't draw manga to save my life...) You know how you can get into Twinkle Park free if you're in a "cute couple"? You end up with Amy Rose because A. she's there and nobody else is and B. hell, if Amy Rose wants something, she's not going to let the idea go, and you had to get in there anyway... But don't you think that, if given the opportunity, Sonic would take anyone else? And c'mon, Knuckles isn't doing anything else now that he's put the Emerald back together... ^__^ Besides, the idea of Sonic begging Knuckles to pretend to be his boyfriend just because he's too cheap to pay for getting into Twinkle Park to fight Eggman is priceless. ^_^ "You want me to do this why?" And any excuse for random cross-dressing, right? (In the interest of random info, Knuckles is a year older than Sonic and ten centimeters taller...) And I gotta do it in gijinka form, because I can't draw them normal. (And I've seen pictures of normal Sonic and Knuckles together, besides, and there's something disturbing about it...)

So yeah, I've got issues. ^_^ And I haven't had very much sugar today either, can you believe that? Oh well, I guess I ought to head back to sketching and pondering my ACT results. (How could I get two points lower in English than anything else?! Why is my highest score in Science Reasoning?! I mean, s'true, I was sick and freezing and hungry while taking it, that probably concentrated my inherent weirdness enough to bend the space-time continuum into interesting shapes...)

Wednesday, June 20, 2001  09:34 p.m.

listening to: miscellaneous jazz

Wow. This is cool.

I sit alone in my room, no light but the faint shine from the computer. I suppose moonlight would be nicer, but if I open the curtains I'll get a lot of streetlamps, a few car lights, and very little moonlight, and it'll all kill the mood. The glow shimmers here and there, like on the winged girl atop my old math trophies (third place, as always), and lets the rest hide away from my poor mind. There's no sound but my fingers clacking the keyboard and the soft, nondescript jazz from the radio. It isn't really the sort of music I like; I love jazz, don't get me wrong, but usually what I like is a bit quicker, more uptempo, like Liquid Soul. (They rule, incidentally. ^_^) It doesn't matter, anyway, because I'm not really listening to it. It's like the friend you never miss until they're gone; I hardly hear it, but if it wasn't there I'd get nervous.

It's times like this I feel a strange magic deep within me. Times like this I feel I can create anything, draw the most beautiful pictures, write the most eloquent flowing story that drags you down and pins you under in its flow until finally you drown within it and are reborn pure at the end, sing the sweetest song. Times like this I feel I could fly on gossamer wings of pure light, air rushing like silk across my bare arms and the stars pale lovely shining girls dancing faery circles around me like they've been waiting every day for sixteen years just for me to come visit; I could fly forever if I could just find a mountain high enough and a wind strong enough and lift my arms to the sky and believe in the force that sweeps me away from the earth into forever. And of course nothing will come of it, I know, but I can still believe that this time it'll be different. Drawing is out, I've tried that and failed even worse than last night, but maybe I'll take my little red disk with all my stories (the little metal slidy part is bent, and one of these days it'll break and probably take out a floppy drive on the way, but that's the future and out of mind) and sit and chat with my old friend computer and we'll write a lovely story together in the sweet dark. Maybe not. It all sort of depends on how long this feeling stays draped around me. (It feels like a translucent silk shawl or something, like the slightest movement would whip it away, either molting to reveal my fresh lovely rice-paper-and-pearl wings or leaving me cold and naked and alone.)

I wonder if anyone will get on and talk to me? I wonder if I want them to? I think I'd have to deal with another writer in this sort of mood, which is okay because most of my really good friends are writers, but then they're never on... And besides, maybe I'd feel stupid. I can say things like this to a wide audience here because I'm casting my net wide and probably most will slip between the lines, and anyone who happens to wander in can say "Well, I don't care so I'll ignore you" and leave, but talking with someone is like sticking the hook in them and they either have to tear it out and hurt me instead by refusing to talk to me or calling me weird or whatever, or they'd have to pretend to be interested and understanding. And maybe it wouldn't even be pretend, but still... here, it's fully one-sided, I can say whatever I want and never deal with the consequences, the flipside, or anyone trying to turn it into a conversation. This isn't a conversation, it's what I feel, what I think...

I volunteered at the library today. It was fun being there in all the books, although it mostly made me wish my library card hadn't disappeared into the void or wherever it's decided to run off to this time. (Ranma 16 ... *sniffle*) Not quite as cool as it is in, say, the Grinnell library, where everywhere is this overpowering field of "BOOK" flowing like leylines through the whole building, somewhere between a comforting presence and a source of ultimate power, but still sort of nice. (That place is incredible; I can't even find the words to describe the way it feels there, even if there's this sense there that the words are waiting in the air to help you along. If I don't get to California I'll probably go there solely for the library. Plus I'll be halfway between one of my best friends and the Thai restaurant. ^_^) So for an hour or two it was me with the computer, checking in, or running off to sort things from the ever-filling bins, or rough-sorting things on the shelves, always busy.

It was just the perfect level of "busy", y'know? If you're too busy, you get tired and stressed and feel too much of the moment (which is obviously not a good one; it's different from now, where I feel nothing but the moment, but since the moment is peace and mist and magic s'okay), and life weighs heavy on your shoulders. If you aren't busy enough, your thoughts wander free, which is an awesome thing most of the time, but right now I'm not sure how much I really want to be digging around my head for fear I might awaken a sleeping beast. There's just enough thought inherent in checking things in and sorting them that the brain must be engaged in the same thing as the hands and can't go on an archeological dig around the heart and soul, but not enough that the higher brain must be engaged (something I never like in work, because my thoughts cannot be harnessed and really don't like working anyway). Sitting there, sliding back and forth along the floor in my nice smooth soft wheely computer chair, always doing something, after a while I become nothing but a pair of hands. And that's exactly what I needed today.

Being nothing but a pair of hands isn't always good, of course; you wouldn't want that to be the definition of your life if you had other gifts to offer. But sometimes it's comforting to know that one can still do good by bare hands alone. Creativity blooms for a microsecond and fades; I know firsthand. Intelligence is unreliable. Craftiness breeds nothing more than more and more danger until finally it digs itself a hole too deep for escape. But your body will always be there. It grows weaker and uglier and whatever, but there's still something you can do with it that helps people. And besides, my hands alone have no taint of me. When I become nothing more than the physical labor I provide, my sorrow and my problems and all the things I hate about my life and the even larger category of things I hate about myself disappear along with the rest of me. I cease to exist.

I like Kashiko, I suppose, but I'm not Kashiko all the time. Kashiko is what I want to be, the strengths and goodnesses molded into a shining fighting ideal. But the fact is that, even if I don't really answer to my given name anymore (takes me a moment to recognize it, and it's not what I call myself, although I suppose that's always been true - I've never quite felt like I belonged to my name, it's too beautiful and unique to fit someone like me), what I truly am is still shackled to me. And sometimes I have to be that which I hate, the me with all her weaknesses and greed and arrogance and fear and lack of confidence and selfishness and the knowledge that I really don't have all the skill I think I do. I know what I am, I know what my weaknesses are, and I admit them to myself. In my darker moments I can take pride in being everything everyone is and won't admit to themselves; being the dark mean fearful weak cowardly hypocritical cruel monster within everyone's heart, without the virtue that cloaks the rest of them. Or not. I don't know, it all made sense a few hours ago...

"You know what, Yuki? Someday I'm going to fly to the stars up there."

"Oh? And what will you leave behind?"

"I'll leave behind my pain, my suffering, my weakness. Every one of my problems."

"No. Those you take with you wherever you go. They're a part of you. What you leave behind is your home and the people who love you."

"I don't have any, though..."

"Of course you do. Everyone has people who love them. The problem is, you're not one of them."

"What is there about me to love?"

"You've been in love, right? I know you have. Why do you love that person? Because they're smart? Because they're nice to you? Because they wear nice clothes or have a lot of money or can sing or run fast?"

"No, that's silly. I love them because ... because they're them. All those things are part of them, but they're small parts. It's because of them, the light of their soul, that's what I love."

"There you are, then."

"It's different, though. This is me."

"What, and the rules are different for you, are they?"

"I guess..."

"You're being silly. I love you, and all your friends love you. Even if none of it's the 'let's run off and get married' sort of love, that doesn't mean none of it will be, or that what you have means less. Even if you're sitting there crying your eyes out over the one you love now, that doesn't mean you'll never find someone else, or that they'll never love you back. You want to escape yourself because you hate who you are, right? I can't make you feel different, you know, but you have to realize that there are plenty of people who love who you are."

"Maybe... Thank you..."

"Anytime. So, you still want to fly away to that star?"

"Yes. To catch something for my love."

"All you need to catch is you."

Another story that'll never get written, and probably a good thing. Meant to be made manga-style, against a backdrop of stars and two girls sitting on a hill past midnight chatting. One has a little pendant of angel wings that doesn't glow anymore, and the other a token from a new love that isn't the girl next to her, much to her dismay...

La. I'm being long-winded and illogical now, and the halo is starting to fade from my thoughts. I think I need some magic, or at least some chocolate ice cream and a long IM session (despite the fact that I'll probably not have anyone to talk to). Peace out.

Tuesday, June 19, 2001  10:03 p.m.

listening to: Chisato - "Cyber Rose ~H-Underbred Mix~"

La. I think my site is sort of reflecting the rest of my life, in that it's pretty much dead in all but officiality ... that isn't a word, is it? S'got a nice sound to it. Anyway, I'd draw something to rejuvenate things, but trust me, I've tried and it ain' gonna happen today. And I have some writing done, but it isn't really going anywhere and I haven't had the heart to work on it for the last few nights. In fact, I haven't had the heart for more than playing Mysterious Song (cute li'l free RPG from Darkness Ethereal that should work on my 386 but seems to have chosen to ignore this fact) and chilling with my Dreamcast. *ear to ear smile*

Please repeat the message? Yes, I have a Dreamcast. (And a seventy dollar debt. Well, that sort of puts the final nail in the coffin of my concert plans, dun it?) And maaaaan, it rules. ^_^ Yeah, so I spent much of the day playing Sonic Adventure, so what? (I've got Shenmue too, but every time I play it I keep thinking of Panzer Dragoon Saga. Probably since that's what I was doing for the week before that. ^_^ Man, I can't wait for another PD game... Oh, and one comment on Shenmue - KITTEN! Wah! My brother tried to feed it fried tofu accidentally. The look on its face was priceless. "You expect me to eat THIS?" Ooh, and I have a little toy Sonic from the machine outside evil-shop-lady's store. Whee!) All life's problems seem to sort of deflate and fade away when you've got a bunch of pretty pixels dancing on the screen to your command. I mean, shyeah, I still feel like hell when I think about it, but how can I think about it when I'm thinking about Knuckles? (...yes, he was my first crush. Yes, I know he's a fictional character. Yes, I know he's not human... I did outgrow it, y'know. Mostly. *_*)

Oh well. Probably I shouldn't think too much today, s'dangerous. I keep coming up with the ends of stories I'll never write, it doesn't help. If I could remember it, I'd write it down. I want to fly on angel wings. Here on the ground I'm tied to the earth, to the rules, to what I am now. I want to fly high, relying on nothing but my own strength, living or dying by my own competence. (Of course, if that's what I'm depending on I suppose I'm stuck with "dying"...) I want to rise above, escape the ground, escape the world, escape myself. Be nothing but a feather on the wind. I bet birds don't take joy in flight, they haven't got the brains for it. Kind of a shame that they can't enjoy what they have that none of us do, ne?

Wah. Okay, spending an hour watching stoned amorous squirrels out the window probably isn't good for my mental health. I'm gonna go dig around that freaky Aztec-lookin' temple in Mystic Ruins s'more, assuming nobody's on the TV.

Random quote of the day:

  Sonic: Knuckles! Did you let Eggman fool you again?
  Knuckles: ... shut up!

(Knuxy - you know I love you, right? You know you're an idiot, right? C'mon, let's go be idiots together...)

Monday, June 18, 2001  02:31 p.m.

listening to: Basement Jaxx - "Romeo"

This song is growing on me, I'll admit that... It's not as weird/cool/creepy as "Yo-Yo" was or anything, but it's not terrible. Besides, I'm in such a "bleh" sort of mood that any sort of dance music will amuse me, which is why I'm sitting here listening to the Ministry of Sound Vital Vinyl countdown... well, plus I know sooner or later they'll hafta play "Do You Really Like It?". *hides* Yeah, I have no taste, I know...

And your Random Song Lyrics of the Moment are:

     Time cast its spell on you, but you won't forget me
     I know I could have loved you but you would not let me
     I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you
     (Am I just a fool?)
     You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you...
        -(Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac, "Silver Springs")

Sorry, it's been stuck in my head all day. I like that song, even though it's a bit creepy. I keep picturing her killing herself and doing some freaky spell so that her silvery-looking ghost ends up haunting the guy forever, and it kinda wails like a banshee or something... um ... yeah... maybe I shouldn't go wandering in the hot sun without drinking anything for hours, huh?

Oh, and I picked up a little mood indicator thingie... *points over to the little floaty white table on the right* I dunno why either, I just sort of found it amusing. The problem is, usually my mood's waaaay too obscure for even me to figure out, so there'll probably be things like "eh" up there quite often... So basically it's like this entry, and most of the last few: it doesn't really serve any purpose except to give me something to do to take out a few more minutes of my life as I wait for ... whatever. I really don't like being like this, just passively waiting for Fate or some other massive force to sweep me up and give me a purpose, but whenever I try to take control of my destiny I only succeed in hurting myself. So I guess I'm relegated to waiting for something that'll probably never come, but at least I don't end up wasting my energy.

Oh, and regarding yesterday's Gorillaz babble; I figure you can find "Clint Eastwood" on your own, but the super-cool "19/2000" vid is kinda hidden. 'S here.

*sighs* I guess I'll go away now. I mean, there's s'more babbling I could do, but I probably won't just 'cuz it'd be selfish. I mean, I am selfish, I know it; and frankly I think pretty much anyone who believes they aren't is just lying to themself. Still, it doesn't mean I have to encourage it, especially when I might accidentally hurt someone. I know I haven't exactly been amusing in a long time; guess I'm just losing my intelligence or something. I'm not surprised, it's been slowing packing up and leaving for quite a while. I just wish it would have waited until I got into college or something, because I'm going to have to convince people to give me a lot of scholarships... and sidenote: If Harvard dares send me another brochure and admission sheet, I will maim someone. Lets face it, I don't want them and they wouldn't want me if they had any idea what kind of student I am, so why in the hell are they wasting their money by sending out all this stuff to people who have never indicated any desire to go there and plenty not to? I mean, at least most places wait until you return the card. (I'm starting to think maybe Harvey Mudd or something, 's Claremont and they even mentioned their computer science degree in the letter. Admittedly, I guess I'm not really that good at computer science, just programming, but it works.)

Yargh. I think that paragraph was a good paraphrase of my entire day: off-track, befuddled, cluttered yet insignificant, and generally distracted by the Faithless on the radio. I think it's time to go play with my Saikyou-chan and his new 14-inch monitor. He is my one true love, the least I could do is get his Windows to display 256 colors like it does in DOS... (Yeah, he's my 386, older'n half the members of my immediate family. But he loves me as much as I love him, won't ever betray me, is always there when I need him, and has a soul that no other computer I have access to anymore can boast. Why I see him as male is anyone's guess; he's male like Genki is male, just sort of a vaguely-androgynous boyishness. He needs s'more games, though, and maybe a VGA driver or something...)

Monday, June 18, 2001  03:14 a.m.

listening to: Jakatta - "American Dream"

So what I needed this whole time was Gorillaz?! Does that make any sense? Oh well. Sitting around watching Gorillaz videos kinda helped me put things in perspective, though gods alone know why... dig around fans.gorillaz.com while and you'll find them. It's cool stuff, even if the music doesn't make a lot of sense. (I like it anyway, though. Mmm-mmm, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien. Well, okay, only occasionally, when he's the one possessing Russ, but ... um ... yeah.) Although I gotta say - am I the only one who keeps hearing Monkey Island things in "19/2000"? I'm not sure which game it was from, 4 I think (which I haven't finished m'self, I must admit, but my sibs have - and yes, I do own all of them ^_^), but there's some song that goes "There's a monkey in my pocket / And he's stealing all my change / His stare is blank and glassy / I suspect that he's deranged..." And every time 2-D goes "There's a monkey in the jungle, watching a vapour trail...", man...

Oh well. It's 3:30 AM, I have nothing to do with myself, and I should go to sleep, but I won't. If I sleep now I lose the best time of the day: the time when there are no other conscious beings in the house. (Well, I can put up with the cat being conscious, although she isn't; she's sleeping on my bed, taking up pretty much the bottom two feet, another reason why I can't go to sleep. If I try, I'll end up kicking her and waking her up, and then she'll lay a guilt trip on me which is not what I need right now.) And I won't oversleep and manage to miss my mom's housecleaning frenzy if I go to sleep now. (Sidenote: Hmm, cat's awake. Maybe she likes Stevie Nicks or something.) It's not that I don't want to help her, it's just that cleaning my room is the sort of thing that only happens through a series of bursts of inspiration and small miracles, and it can't be forced. Look, it is getting cleaner, it's just that there's nothing I can do with most of the stuff on the floor. That's why it's on the floor.

Mmm library card I hate you... It's disappeared, and if I get a new one A. I have to find a photo ID and subsequently try to convince the library people that yes, that is me, even if it doesn't look anything like me and indeed doesn't look like anything that should be allowed to exist (although of course in that respect it does look like me ^_^) and B. I'll probably lose all my holds, like my nice Gundam Wing manga hold that's actually in and my Sailor Moon Stars #1 hold that's been there forever. (Sidenote #2: Is it just me, or is the voice cast for Endless Waltz overrun by people from Monster Rancher? I mean, I swear that one little girl that they want to have rule the universe is just a bratty nine-year-old Holly, which is weird... I can't picture Holly bad, y'know? And Zechs = Tiger and Noin = Pixie. Duo is Ken from that horrible Street Fighter show that I used to watch religiously and probably still would if it were still on, but that's not actually relevant...) So basically I'm screwed, but that's where I always am, so you'd think I'd be used to it.

I never quite get used to things like that. It's been revealed to me that I've been making an utter idiot of myself for the last few months, and you'd think I'd at least be used to making an idiot of myself (gods, but I am good at it), but I'm still messed up. No, it's not anybody's fault but my own, because as aforementioned I'm a moron, and a stubborn moron at that (but only stubborn when it would hurt me to do so, of course). And ... and ... and I don't know what I'm doing again. I guess that's why I'm still a moron, despite having lots of opportunities to learn from this fact and try to change; I'm still just too much of a moron to ever figure out what I'm doing and stop it. I guess my life's just hopeless, huh? Funny, I should be used to that too...

Yar. Why am I hungry? I actually ate supper tonight... last night? Whatever. The last chance I had to have supper I took and actually ate a significant amount. Crazy. I guess I'd better go argue with the cat over bed space or something. Maybe I'll toss her out into my closet, she likes it there...

Monday, June 18, 2001  12:38 a.m.

listening to: A Perfect Circle - "Three Libras"

Love this song... it's so sad. I wrote pretty much the entire second half of "Someday" with this in my head; it was still playing on the radio all the time then. I always liked A Perfect Circle; it seems to me that Maynard James Keenan got the chance to use his certain poetic genius better. I mean, I like Tool, but Tool is dark, angry, powerful, violent; A Perfect Circle can be angry and dark while still being beautiful and sad. I dunno, maybe it's just me. "Schism" is growing on me, I will admit that...

Keep getting the urge to listen to Tesla. Dunno why, but it always seems to cheer me up. Of course, they aren't on the radio that often anymore, although they've gotten much heavier rotation now that they're on tour again, and I've already heard them twice this week so it probably won't happen again. Trying to remember what that other one I heard was... I think it wasn't "Love Song", that's all I know.

Yes, my life revolves around music. It happens. Nothing's really true unless it has a soundtrack to it, y'know? Or something like that. I need to have music going at all times or I just break down. Sometimes I break down anyway because of the music, of course; Travis kept poking at the weak spot in my heart today while I was trying to make spaghetti without getting myself killed. (Evidently I was successful. Spaghetti's not that bad, but I think I'll probably be done in by frying potatoes one of these days. There's a certain thrill to it, playing the game of "Will this be the time I set the house on fire?". See, you can't fry potatoes well without a lot of cooking oil, but the thing about cooking oil is that is spatters. A lot. And it's really, really hot. Staring death in the face is more interesting when it's tiny flying droplets of hot stuff, and fried potatoes taste even better seasoned with risk. Yeah, I'm pathetic, the greatest risks of my life come from cooking, but I'm serious about the danger; I'm a lousy cook, and reckless besides.)

So that's my life right now. Lying there at eight, knowing all the music that could save my soul was locked within the computer that my bro was using, so I just went to sleep. No reason to stay awake. Happens to me a lot. I think I dreamt about food, I tend to do that. Then I woke up again, got bored with sleeping, and decided to come seek out that sweet music again. I don't seem to have found it, admittedly; I knew exactly what would heal my heart before I fell asleep, but that knowledge seems to have gotten bored and flown away. Tesla, I guess, but it's hard stuff to find.

I guess I'm disappearing into myself again. I don't want to talk to people, although I suppose I'm like that a lot of the time. I don't know what I feel like right now; I know earlier I was psycho-happy, and then I was psycho-unhappy (as I tend to be after too long being psycho-happy - 's why I get nervous when good things happen, because the whole time I can feel the little tassels fringing the silk curtain of my sadness brushing against my soul, waiting to descend), and now I'm just sort of blank. And nothing much seems to be changing that, although now I've got "Love Song" running so maybe that'll help. I almost wish I was sad again, just because then I'd have something to say. I guess I'm just lost or something. S'okay, it happens, I'll wander back onto the path again, then wander off, run into some spiky bushes, fall off a cliff, whatever. I never said I was good at following a trail.

I think it's time I went away, eh?

Saturday, June 16, 2001  05:13 p.m.

listening to: the sound of my keyboard, mostly, and weird badly-acted Xena webisodes

Your random song lyrics of the day:

Pride Festival rules. ^_^ Except I only managed to drag myself down there for the last hour, but that's okay. Pretty girls... *_* *gets smacked because she has a crush and she knows it and she ought to be faithful an' all* Hey, even married people can make random comments on cute people, right? Stupid brain. -_-;; Besides, they were all too old for me anyway.

*grins* Oh well. I had fun anyway. I bought buttons. ^_^ This is my new hobby, besides collecting random singles of songs that were big in other countries; I've got a "I'm brilliant, I just do dumb and self-destructive things to relax" to replace my poor lost "I Found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time" (which seems to have weirded out my Gov teacher) and keep company with my BUllSHit. And naturally I couldn't pass up the "Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians", although what I'm going to use that for I shudder to think. ^_^